Sexsexsex

Maybe we should start an Impotent Blind Date, and pair all the people who have no sex drive off with each other. And Germaine Greer, who may not mind as long as it proves her to be right about the overwhelming violence of male sexuality. Because all men are rapists, even when they're impotent! Just nibble occasionally at a tablet of Viagra during your night of clubbing, and you'll never be a let-down. An "avalanche" of women are calling the Impotence Association and begging for help. Except Fay Weldon, who reckons rape isn't the worst thing that can happen to a woman. You can still have it now, even when you're impotent because you're on ecstasy or cocaine. The story of aphrodisiacs covers thousands of years and, in the era of Viagra, has reached a new peak. Find the exact moment in a TV show, movie, or music video you want to share. But we'll all regret it when the first Viagra rapist hits the headlines. You were always going to stand by your man, weren't you?

Now she's Brookside's first drug-rape victim and we can't watch the programme with our children any more, even though the omnibus is on at 5pm on a Saturday.

He understood that sex is the motivation behind all our actions, what makes us robots – or rather hairless proboscis monkeys – servicing the interests of our selfish genes. Even the high-minded Charles Moore has been swooning. A game so good not even an association with John Prescott can diminish its appeal.

The money we make, the music we listen to, even the politicians we vote for, all is to do with sex. OK, perhaps not a good example, but how about Barack and Michelle Obama? And when John Major first sat in the Cabinet Room after becoming Prime Minister, he asked his aides: "So I can invite anyone I want for lunch… " Would the Gurkhas' cause have been as popular had Susan Boyle been their champion? But as well as bringing out a player's competitive side, it also makes him or her homicidal.

They had sex appeal as a couple before they moved in to the White House. Kissinger said power was the great aphrodisiac, and he was right. According to Nature magazine, within a second or two of a heterosexual man and woman being introduced, their brains will have made a thousand tiny calibrations about whether they want to procreate with each other. A new book about Bonnie and Clyde reveals that the couple once tried to steal a car from four old ladies who were playing croquet.

It is the reason, the only reason, John Major and John Prescott can be mentioned in the same sentence as Jack Kennedy and Bill Clinton. He invented the most magical, potentially creative tool in history – the World Wide Web – and what was the first thing mankind did with it? When they demanded the keys, the old ladies attacked them with their mallets so viciously that the bankrobbers had to run away.

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